you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Randomize
