I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize