I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Randomize
