i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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