he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
