Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
