I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Two words: blizzard sex
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
