My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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