I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
