Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
