she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
