The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
