what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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