She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
