I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
