I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
