What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
