I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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