The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
