So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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