You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
You did what with his pubic hair?
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