she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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