Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
