Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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