I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
