The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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