hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
