Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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