GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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