Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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