Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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