And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
