Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I am naked and annoyed.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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