I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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