Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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