I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
