3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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