I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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