I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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