There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
