like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize