I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize