she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize