I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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