You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
