Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
