Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Regardless of the degree, it's probably not good to relate so closely to the Steve-O documentary.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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