Plan B is the new Plan A
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
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