sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
So squirting runs in the family.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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