Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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