Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Randomize
