In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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