I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
