If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
